CH5: Heartbeat (another lblander chapter)

She could feel her heart slow as what happened went through her mind. It was clear the girl had no idea who she was, just a masked enemy. Maker.. how was that her? she thought as she walked back into the holding caves behind Hadriana… It's been so long… but she's alive she thought as she struggled to figure out if she was relieved or distressed by the thought.

She remembered that horrid day… how she had to drag the girl away from her father as he collapsed to the ground. The fear in the girls eyes mimicked her own when she watched her own father pass. She could only hope that she was spared the same sort of scene she had to experience. For a moment she could sympathize with the girl but she knew that they couldn't linger there, not if they wanted a chance to live.  She grabbed the girls wrist as she looked for the girl's brother.

All she could see was the flames and destruction of battle, so she ran. As fast as she could she dragged the girl with her into the woods, trying to out run their pursuers. They hadn't gotten too far from the village before the girl tripped over a root and begged to rest. Did she have a heartbeat back then?

Hadriana's yelling brought her back to the holding caves. She knew she was going to be in trouble the moment the vial smashed on the ground engulfing her and her enemies in a cloud of smoke. But it was too late now to regret what she did.. on either side.

Why didn't she sense it before? she thought as she followed behind Hadriana. It wasn't until her scythe was buried deep within the woman's chest before she realized who she was.

"How could you just let them go?" Hadriana demanded as she turned around, knocking her to the ground.

She could see the rage in Hadriana's eyes, and for a moment she thought thy might just explode if she were to get any angrier.

"You saw what happened, they threw a smoke bomb, how was I supposed know they would do that?" she lied with a sly smirk, knowing full well that she threw the smoke bomb to give herself cover as she carried the girl over to her companions. She could still see the man's confusion as she walked up to him with the girl in her arms. She watched as he gripped his staff defensively as she approached him.

He didn't put it away until she held the girl out to him, with a quiet nod she motioned towards the path behind him as she handed the girl over. She didn't look back after that… whatever he thought… it didn't matter… what was done is done. She could only hope that she wouldn't encounter them again.

"You expect me to believe that?" Hadriana asked as she casted a spell sending her flying through the air.

"I'm not asking you to believe anything," she laughed as she pulled herself back to her feet quickly glancing down to see the collage of bruises that decorated her body. She knew they would eventually go away, if she stopped evoking Hadriana's wrath that is.

"You know… I don't understand… after a man did something…" Hadriana paused as she turned back around towards her. "Well… he really isn't so much a man… Just a feral creature… a wolf," Hadriana laughed. "I just don't see how you still protect him…" she said as she tilted his head. "Not after what he did to you… some wounds don't heal so well…" Hadriana added shaking her head.

"It just took an order… Fuck her," Hadriana smiled.

She could feel her blood beginning to boil, mixing in with the ghost of pain that radiated through her as she remembered that night. Screw it she thought as she smashed her fist into Hadriana's cheek, sending the mage falling to the floor.

"That wasn't him!" she shouted down to the mage as she kicked the mage in the stomach. He wouldn't do that to me… would he? she questioned in her mind as she felt her back colliding with the wall. The burn of Hadriana's magic radiated through her as she waited for the mage to call it quits. All she had to do was wait it out. Danarius would have her head if he killed her… but it didn't stop her from bringing her close enough to deaths door. Not that it was something so foreign to her now. Danarius practically kept her flirting with fate daily, what was pain to her?

So she waited. She let her body be flung this way and that as Hadriana pleased, but her mind drifted off again. She began to think of the first time she saw Fenris… well he wasn't Fenris back then… but could he ever go back to that child? Could she?

With a heavy sigh she remembered seeing him playing in the field of another magister's estate. Danarius had sent her to spy on the magister, to see if he possessed anything that he might like. So like most things she seduced him. Her soft elven features made the task easy. Even in his situation, he was so full of life back them. It broke her heart to remember him that way. She could remember sneaking him a cookie or two as she would come and go from the magister's estate. He was so excited for them. It was worth the risk as she saw the joy shining through his eyes and she could remember it.. that quite beating in her chest as she saw him.

It didn't take long for her memories to become more recent ones. She remembered begging him to reconsider his choice… She did everything she could to stop him from entering the tournament. She didn't question his ability… she knew he would win, but the prize wasn't worth it… Nothing was worth that. She remembered begging him… begging Danarius to disqualify him until he casted a force spell sending her into the wall and out of the way. "Please Leto… don't do this… I-"

"You won't change my mind in this… I will free them… whatever I have to do is worth it," he said coldly throwing her hand away.

Do you still believe those words?

She watched Hadriana finally walk away as she collapsed to her knees, too lost in thought to follow the mage. Her mind went back to the tournament. She watched as Leto fought his way through each round. She didn't want him to fall… but to win… there was no winning.

She remembered standing by Danarius' side as he carved into the elf's skin. She watched as the knife cut out the intricate pattern into his flesh. Every one of his screams still haunted her heart and soul… but there was nothing she could do. If she tried to fight Danarius at that point not only would she have lost but… he would die… but this… this was a death of its own. Which death was mercy? she wondered sadly as she remembered when Fenris came to be.

She remembered feeling that soft beat in her chest die again, and she began to wonder how many times could it recover from each assault? How long could she retain who she was? Was she still who she once believed herself to be?

His eyes lost their luster. And every hint of joy, of life was gone and it killed her to see him. She remembered as soon as the ritual was over, Danarius left. Leaving her to tend to him as he instructed a guard to bring them to what would be their new chambers.

She could still feel the cold stone on her bare feet as she walked into the dark room. She remembered washing the blood from him, revealing his scarred flesh. She remembered being thankful that he was unconscious as she cried for him. She knew when he woke up, he wouldn't be the same.

She remembered the long nights where she leaned back against the wall as she cradled him in her arms as they slept. She didn't know how long they slept, but she remembered waking up to Danarius' guards walking into the room.

"Stay away from him," she threatened as she stood in front of him. She knew she wasn't strong enough to fight all of the guards that came in at that point, so she was hoping she could be intimidating enough to dissuade them. She remembered fighting off a couple before she started to lose ground.

She remembered looking back to him, praying he was still unconscious as the men pinned her to the floor. Quickly she turned away too embarrassed to face him as the guards finished up and began to beat her for spoiling their fun.

Slowly she pushed herself up, wiping the blood from her chin as she crawled back to him. Carefully she pulled him back into her lap as she looked down to him. Slowly she ran her fingers into his snow white hair. She saw the strain on his features as he shifted in his sleep. Quietly she started to hum to him, hoping that maybe it would just give him peace.

Softly she smiled as he seemed to ease into a peaceful sleep. She knew it would be hell when he had the strength to wake up… but there was nothing she could do. She already failed… again.

She woke up to find Danarius walking into the room.

"How is he?"

"He hasn't stirred,"

"… Well then, we'll have to force him to wake up now won't we?" Danarius said with a smile.

As fast as she could she wrapped herself around him as she saw Danarius casting a spell. Even now her muscles tensed as she remembered the power in Danarius' spell, and her stomach churned as she remembered how he laughed at her futile attempts to protect him.

Why? Why did I protect him? I can't remember…

Soon her mind travelled to when he first woke up. Panicked he had lifted her from the ground by her neck, easily he slid his hand into her chest. Her hands began to shake as she clutched her chest, the pain still too tangible to bare.

Still she wondered why he didn't kill her then… but then again she wasn't worthy of that mercy either. Slowly she pushed herself to her feet, accepting the fact that Hadriana was going to withhold her antidote from her. So she turned and made her way out of the caves. She didn't see what else Hadriana could do to her. It's not like she could go too far.

Weakly she leaned up against the cave walls as she made her way into the cool night air. After a good ways away from the holding caves she jumped up into a tree, easily climbing her way to the top. From there she could see the lights of Kirkwall. It looked so far away… but it wasn't far enough to keep him safe. She knew it was only a matter of time before she found him. Or he found out Hadriana was around and came looking for her…

Foolish she thought as she wondered about him. She tried to help him while she could. She wondered if he remembered that, or was she just Danarius' bitch to him?

Her mind travelled to the next couple days after he woke up. He could barely move with the pain from his tattoos was unlike any she had seen. For days she would return to him after fulfilling her duties to Danarius to sneak food and water to him and every night  she would hum a song to him as he slept. She knew all too soon she wouldn't be able to shelter him, but for the moment Danarius would accept her as a stand in for him. Taking on a double shift so that he could recover.

By the time she would make it back to him she was exhausted and barely found the strength to feed him, but she pushed herself through it. Whether  it was from guilt or a long time buried sense of compassion that she wasn't even away she had she didn't know. But she always tried to take care of him. To shield him from Danarius' wrath when she could, even if it meant her lying to take the fall for him.

Giving him her dinners when she saw Hadriana witholding his. She wasn't sure why… was she searching for some form of redemption? From what? She's always done what she's had to… Maybe there was a better way… she thought maybe what I've done… maybe I'm wrong she thought as she shrugged.

"Fenris… this isn't who you are… You are better than a mindless beast,"

"… Danarius did this to you… but you have the choice of how to use this power now…"

"Choose the type of man you want to be, Fenris,"

"I'll get you out of here,"

Her words echoed in her head as she felt her balance beginning to sway. No… I want to stay she thought as she gripped the trunk as she looked out over the horizon. Slowly she closed her eyes as she remembered the last time she saw him. She could see he was scared, for her and for himself. He wanted her to come with him… she could see it... but she knew that was more dangerous than if he went on his own. He has to choose this… he has to want to be free…

Softly she began to sing as she remembered that final time. Pain radiated through her chest as she remembered how he joined up with the Fog Warriors. Hadriana was right about that… she could forgive him for his actions then… but her body remembered them all too well.

That wasn't him…

Her body finally gave out on her as she finished her song. She didn't even feel her fingers slip from the trunk. Or the cool air that breezed by her skin as she fell back, catching her hair as she let go. For a moment she thought about just giving in, the fall would be quick… her body was already flirting with its limits. It would be quick… the poison to make it painless she thought as she closed her eyes.

Instantly his eyes filled her mind.

No…

I can't…

Her heart skipped a beat as her dagger cut deeply into the trunk of the tree. She knew it wouldn't stop her, and if it did she wouldn't be able to hold onto it if it stuck. All she needed was for it to break her fall.

Fenris

The ground hit hard, knocking the wind out from her lungs and sending a flash of white behind her eyes. For once, she welcomed the poison flowing through her veins as it numbed her body. She didn't even try to move, she had long since lost the feeling in her limbs. Even so, she didn't think she had the strength to move if she wanted to.

"I won't let him have you," she whispered as she stared into the night sky.