CH 71: Defy The Stars

Fenris' POV

What am I supposed to do? he thought as he glared out into the Kirkwall streets from his window. For a moment he closed his eyes and saw her lying on the balcony. The fear that gripped his heart when he saw her there was still tangible. His bare feet made no sound on the stone floor as he had run over to her.

When he looked down, he could see the steady rise and fall of her chest, she was just sleeping. Suddenly a small shine from the moonlight caught his attention, his pendant… she was holding it. She must have been looking at it he thought as he carefully took the pendant from her hand.

"No… please stop," she had mumbled in her sleep. She was dreaming, of what? Carefully, he scooped her into his arms and held her tightly to his chest as he carried her to her bed where he carefully set her down and tucked her in. Gently he brushed the hair from her face, allowing his calloused fingertips to brush over her velvet skin before he turned and hurried out of her estate.

Now he's trapped in his estate with Zevran who keeps prodding him. Good natured as he was, he just couldn't understand. Or maybe I can't understand Fenris thought for a moment as he allowed himself to be swallowed up by his guilt, his fear.

"What good does secluding yourself in here do, my friend?" Zevran asked as he looked over to the taller elf.  "Have you eaten? Bathed?" He asked as quiet coos came echoing into the estate, distracting them both. "Ah a little early my love," Zevran said as he turned to the door to see Merlissia holding Aleksia in one arm and a pack in the other.

Quietly, Merlissia walked in and set the sack down on the table beside Fenris. "Here," she said holding Aleksia out to him.

Instinctually, he reached out and tucked his hands under the child's arms and pulled her to his chest. "Good, we've brought you two food and everything you could need for the night. One of us will be back for her in the morning," Merlissia said quietly as she turned away from Fenris and wrapped her arm around Zevran's waist.

"Don't waste your time…. I suspect she believes you're gone… that you've moved on… and so will she," Zevran warned before he pressed a kiss to Merlissia's temple. "Heed us Fenris, this is something I have learned first hand," Zevran said as he walked out with Merlissia.

"What am I supposed-"

"Fenris… you already know the answer," Zevran hollered back as they made their way out of his estate.

"What am I supposed to do?" Fenris asked Aleksia softly as she giggled and reached for his lips. Silly child he thought as he suddenly blew on Aleksia's hand making her giggle. Quietly he started to look through the bag to see what they had brought, some warm food, fruit and bread.

He picked up the bag as Aleksia continued to babble and grip on to his tunic, probably annoyed that he didn't have her high enough to reach his ears. Slowly he made his way to what he had begun to consider her room, but he stopped in front of the door as visions of Anelle taking Aleksia flashed in his mind. Without a second thought he brought her back to his chamber and set her on his bed.

"Looks like you need a new room," he grumbled as he sat down beside her, pulling a piece of fruit from the bag and holding it out to her. He watched as her eyes lit up at the sight of food. "Well come get it," He whispered as he held out the piece of banana.

For a while they sat and ate together until she grew disinterested and crawled over to the edge of the bed. Easily he lifted the little girl up. "You want to explore some?" he asked and watched her sapphire eyes exploring the new room. "I don't know your father Aleksia… but your curiosity is from your mother," he said with a quiet laugh as he set her down on a blanket.

Quickly he walked over to the table and picked up the book he had been trying to read before he came back and sat on the small pallet he made for her. Quietly he began to read to her, taking a peek every so often to see what she was up to.

"Not much of a child's book I suppose," he mumbled after a couple of pages. "But it is your mother's favorite… I haven't read from it in a long time," he explained to the child who was more concerned with his toes than what he was saying. "How she could love something like this is beyond me," he admitted with a laugh as he looked over the worn book.

Quickly he looked down when he heard a small "op" sound by his feet. "… Aleksia really?" he mumbled as he sat her book by his hip as he watched the girl roll into his neat pile of ash.

"NO! don't put that in your mouth!" he nearly shouted as he pulled her arm away. "Maker you're a mess," he said as he pulled her away from the pile, listening to the silly sounds she made as she tried to get the taste of ash from her lips. "Yes, see! It's dirty!" he said before mimicking the sound only to  make her giggle.

"Ahhhhhhhh" he grunted as he set her in a large crate. "There… that'll hold you," he said as he set her down. Instantly she started crying, "Oh no you don't… you did this to yourself," he said with a small laugh as he went and cleaned out a small basin he found and filled it with warm water. "Is this going to be awkward?" he asked her as he started pulling off her small clothes. Now I'll have to clean these too… child you are … just like your mom he thought with a small smile.

Carefully he picked her up from her crate and wiped the crocodile tears that streaked down her ash-covered cheeks away with his thumb. "There now," he said as he set her down into the warm water. He couldn't help but laugh at her 'oooo' as she felt herself sink into the shallow tub. Slowly he knelt down so he could be on her level, "Maker you look like her…" he whispered as he looked into her deep sapphire eyes. To which, she splashed water in his face sending him rolling back on his heels.

"Oh, it's on," he said with a smirk and dipped his fingers in the water and started flinging water at her. Once she started just splashing her hands into the water, sending it everywhere he decided that it was time to clean her up and get her out.

Carefully he wrapped her in a towel before carrying her over to the sack that Merlissia had brought to see if they thought to bring her some spare clothes. Smart ones he thought as he pulled out some small pants and a shirt that matched. He worked quick, sliding one leg in followed by the other. A quick swipe of his finger across the sole of her foot sent her into a fit of giggles. How could something so… so… soft, so innocent come from someone so fierce? he wondered as he watched her squirm under his fingers. She giggled and mumbled her baby talk when he heard her trying to make sounds. "Ga… Goo.. oooooo….. da….. da…. Ahhh" she giggled.

Gently he ran his fingers through the blonde strands of hair on her head oblivious to the child's chatter, Well she'll need a lot more hair to be like Rem he thought as he closed his eyes, trying to remember Rem's hair before the ritual. "You must have his hair," he said quietly as he looked at the deep blonde that topped her head.

"Now, no more playing in the ash," he instructed as he set her back down in her crate as he made a new barricade around the pile before he looked outside to see the dark sky. It's getting late… when do you sleep little one? he wondered as he picked up his blankets and put them back on his bed.

After dropping another log into the fire he walked back over to the large crate he had set her in to see she was already trying to climb out of it. Quickly he gave a deep growl that got her attention, she fell back down and lifted up her arms for him. "Trouble," he mumbled before picking her up. "I think it's time for bed," he said, "Why am I talking to you?" he asked. As if she could answer me he thought as he shook his head.

Carefully he climbed into his bed, taking care to situate her beside him as he pulled the blankets up to them. "How does anyone make you sleep?" he asked himself as he felt Aleksia climb up onto his chest. "I don't have any stories that you'd like Aleksia," he whispered as he watched her climb up to his neck to settle herself as she pulled on his ears.

"Yes, yes they're still there… I think," he said with a little laugh that made Aleksia bounce on his chest. "Hmm… What I can tell you is about your mother," Fenris said softly. "Rem… That's her name. A beautiful name, for a beautiful woman," he explained.

"She's a fierce woman, strong and every sense of the word noble. She endures her hardships head on… and somehow she always finds her way," he went on as he rested his hand on Aleksia.

"Between you and I, I remember her like it was yesterday. I close my eyes and I can see her when she was happy," he whispered as he looked down into her tired sapphire eyes. "It's been a long time since she had been happy… and somehow it boils down to being my fault," he admitted as he gripped his sheets with his free hand. "How is it that meeting her… was the most important thing that has ever happened to me… but I have done nothing but cause her trouble?" he asked as he looked to the dark ceiling.

"I haven't seen her smile in so long… She has a beautiful smile… I hope you get her smile," he whispered as he felt his eyes grow tired. "I love to see her smile," he mumbled as he finally felt himself fall into the Fade's embrace.

**

"Well, well, well, isn't that sweet,"

"Huh?.. What?" Fenris groaned as he opened his eyes to see Merlissia standing over him.

"Shhh, go back to sleep… I'm just taking her to Rem," Merlissia whispered as she picked Aleksia up from Fenris' chest. "Ohh, hush honey… You're going home," Merlissia whispered as Aleksia started to cry. "Come on now," she whispered as she picked up the sack she had brought over.

Slowly he blinked, trying to decide whether he would get up or if he should just roll over and fall back asleep as Zevran's words echoed in his mind.

"Can you live without her?"

Can I? he thought as he rolled over and closed his eyes as he curled into his pillow. Slowly, the darkness behind his eyelids faded and images of Hawke slowly began to appear. She wore her loose clothes, no armor, and no weapon. The wind caught her hair as they walked, she was… she was smiling. She was happy. Slowly he looked down to see a girl with long blond hair holding both of their hands as they walked through the grass.

Looking down he could see that he too was in loose clothing. No armor, no large sword pulling on his back. He was happy as he walked through the pasture with Hawke and Aleksia. It was like he could feel it. How light his shoulders felt, the clean crisp air… it all seemed perfect.

He looked over to her to see she was turning to him, smiling sweetly. She's so happy he thought as before he turned to see where they were headed.

Suddenly he stopped in his tracks as he saw Danarius standing in front of them with a wicked grin. Slowly, he turned, all the light colors swirled into darkness as he saw them. Lying on the ground in a pool of blood. Hawke's arm wrapped protectively around Aleksia as if attempting to protect her.

"NO!" he screamed as he shot up, panting. Slowly he brought his hands up as he lowered his face into his palms. Maker no… he thought as he tried to convince himself that it was just a dream. He could feel the sweat that covered his face as he tried to catch his breath.

Quietly he climbed out of bed and looked out the window to see the cloud covered sky. Maker how did I waste the day away he thought as he saw that the day was mostly over with. Lazily he made himself a cold bath, and searched for something to eat only to find his stores were empty.

After pulling on some loose clothing he grabbed her book and headed out to the market. He looked over the market and finally haggled the prices down enough to buy himself a decent dinner with the rest of the coin he had, I'm going to have to find some work soon he thought as he considered where he wanted to go. Somewhere he wouldn't be found, Where would the last place anyone expect to see me be? he wondered as he took out an apple from his sack as he walked aimlessly from Kirkwall.

He kept walking until he found a familiar spot on the Wounded Coast. Their spot, the irony of him taking refuge there was not lost as he let out a low chuckle as he collected some wood so that he would have a fire for later. Quietly he sat down under the old tree and read as the clouds darkened above him. He only stopped when it was getting dark to start the fire and finish his dinner.

Finally he looked down to the words and saw he was almost done with her book. He let his eyes skim over the previous parts he had read before his dinner. It was when he was on the final dialogue that he felt the first few drops of rain fall onto his arms. Maker hold off just a little longer, I'm almost finished he thought as he looked back down to her book.

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;

The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:

Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;

Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:

For never was a story of more woe

Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

"Finished it…" he whispered as he looked down to the words written on the page. So it was a love story… Is that why she liked this? he wondered as he looked out into the rain, thankful for the shelter of the old tree.

Suddenly a gust of wind blew by, sending a chill to his bones. With a quick shiver he looked down to see some more writing on the blank pages at the end of the book. Carefully he turned the page, that's… that's her handwriting he realized as he let his fingers trace over the fine script of her words.

Quietly he read her words to himself:

Why I like this tale so much. Sadly it all boils down to one line. 'Then I defy you stars' What a glorious line that is. This tragedy… I'm sure is relatable to most anyone I am sure… But this story speaks to me. It's a tragic battle between free will and fate. And I can't help but feel so tied into this… my wish for a normal life and my fate to be doomed by this damnable magic… I would curse the stars if it meant that I could be in charge of my own life and not be ruled by some predetermined course of events.

It seems inevitable though. It feels like I am part of some divine joke that the gods watch for their entertainment. I have the power that mages dream of, but I have no will to use it... As Romeo says that fate had struck him the cruelest possible blow, he would still defy them by choosing death to be by his beloved's side; I would give anything to be rid of this curse. It has done nothing but cause problems.

What does magic touch that it doesn't spoil? Even now I know that I'm better off alone. I'm like a disease, I infect all those around me.

… But for a chance to defy the stars?

To find a love worth dying for…

…I've always been a fool

Enough of these thoughts

            --The ever hopeful fool- Rem Hawke, Lothering

"This was… this was before she came to Kirkwall?" he whispered to himself, his worlds lost in the pouring rain. He read her words over and over again, What does magic touch that it doesn't spoil? … … I'm like a disease…., each time he felt his heart sink. "So… she really does…" he started when a clap of thunder stirred him from his thoughts. I swore I would never be bound to another magister… but with her…. She's different he thought as he ran his fingers over her words.

His eyes focused on her words, spoil, disease "Damn it… and everything I've said… I… I… Damn it," he swore as he pushed himself away from the tree. Quickly, he turned slipping her book into his small pack then looking into the pouring rain. This will never do he grumbled as he watched the sheets of rainfall to the soaked earth.

For a minute he stared down at the book, rubbing his thumb on the hard surface. Quickly he pulled off his shirt and wrapped it carefully around the book.It's the best I can do he thought before he ran out into the rain holding the book to his chest, trying to shield it from the pouring rain.

Come on he thought as he urged his legs to push harder from the wet earth and cobblestone of Kirkwall. He couldn't stop. He had to see her… now. As soon as he ran up to her door he pulled on it to hear it just thud against the doorframe. With a low growl he started knocking on the door.

"Come on, come on," he mumbled as he listened for someone to come to the door. Impatiently, he pounded harder and began to pace outside the door until a quiet click could barely be heard. What if she doesn't want to see me? What if… now that she knows what I am… What if he thought as he listened the door. Quickly he spun around to see a tired dwarf answering the door.

"Master Fenris? Is everything alright? I—"

"Bodhan? Who is it?" Hawke shouted from the stairs as she made her way down.

"Sorry Bodhan I have to see her," Fenris mumbled as he pushed past the dwarf. His mind was clear when his eyes locked onto her. He watched as she slowly took a step back as she whispered his name.

Without a word he walked up to her stopping a little further than an arms length away from her. Dropping the book to the floor by his feet he closed the gap, wrapping his arms around her shoulders as he pulled her into his chest.

"Fenris? What's wrong? You're soaking wet," she said quietly after reveling the feel of being in his arms for a moment. Slowly she pulled away from his wet chest as she rested her hands on his waist. "Fenris, you're freezing. Come, I have a nice fire started," she said as she guided him upstairs to her room.

Quietly she left his side to pull a chair closer to the fire and dropped a new log into the fire, pulling her hand back as the fire came back to life. Quickly she moved over to her bed and pulled off her blankets and wrapping them around Fenris' shoulders as she pulled him towards the chair.

"Fenris please, what's wrong?" she said worriedly. She was surprised to see him, she had thought he had left Kirkwall that night, but here he was shivering in her bedroom.

"I thought… I thought with Danarius dead, I would be free... That I would be able to move on, but it doesn't feel like it should," he started to explain as he shyly stole a glance to her to see her waiting to hear what he had to say.

"I thought if I didn't have to run and fight to stay alive… I'd finally be able to live as a free man does. But how is that… My sister is gone, and I have nothing… not even an enemy," he explained as he looked down into the fire. This isn't what you came here for… but… she's talking… he thought as he watched her think for a moment and take a deep breath.

"Maybe that just means that there's nothing holding you back," she suggested softly as she sat in the chair next to him.

"Hmm… an interesting thought.. It's just difficult to overlook the stain that magic has left on my life. If I seem bitter it's not without cause…" he paused, What am I saying? Did you not just read her words over and over? Fenris scolded himself inwardly, "But perhaps it is time to move forward. I just.. don't know where that leads… do you?" He asked quietly as he looked up to her sapphire eyes.

"Well… I don't think anyone knows where it leads… It's a question of fate, do you remain still and be carried by the whims of the stars? Or do you make a stand and take control of your fate?" Hawke answered quietly as she looked down at her hands. Just say it.. you have him here and it's probably you're only chance… she thought as she took a deep breath. "Wherever it leads… I hope it means we'll stay together," she said quietly as she nervously looked up to him.

She can't be serious… after all this…. She would… she would stay by my side? She would wish me by hers? he thought in disbelief. "That… that is my hope as well," he finally said as he noticed her waiting for his answer.

Come on… just tell her he pushed himself. "We.. We have never discussed what happened between us…" he started as he lost his nerve and looked down to the fire.

"You didn't want to talk about it," she answered after a pause.

"I felt like a fool. I thought it better if you hated me… I deserve no less," he said quietly as he pushed himself from the chair, shrugging the blankets off his shoulders.

"I but it isn't better.. That night…" he paused as he took a step closer to her. "I remember your touch as if it was yesterday…. I should have asked you for your forgiveness long ago…" he explained… his tone was hoarse and covered with his emotions.

"I need to understand why you left Fenris," Hawke asked softly.

"I've thought about the answer a thousand times. The pain… the memories it brought up… It was too much… I was a coward," he admitted as he looked off to the side, unable to meet her eyes. "If I could go back… I would stay… tell you how I felt," he admitted as he turned away from her feeling that his stoic façade had vanished and the vulnerability in his eyes was plain to see.

"What would you have said?" She asked shyly, her words barely above a whisper. I can't as him this.. he clearly doesn't want to say it… but I have to know she thought as she looked up to him.

Carefully, he pulled his shirt away, and opened up the sack and pulled out the worn book, happy to see that the it survived the down poor. "Can you live without her?" he thought of Zevran's words as he looked down to her sapphire eyes.

"What I should have told you… is… Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you," he said as his eyes narrowed on hers. "If there is a future to be had, I would walk into it gladly at your side," he said in his deep voice that came from deep within his chest as he knelt down to her level.

Quietly he stood back as she rose from her chair and wrapped her arms round his waist and pulled herself into his chest. She splayed her fingers over his bare back as she nuzzled into her place in the crook of his neck.

For a moment, he couldn't believe that here she was in his arms. Slowly he wrapped his arms around her, losing his fingers in her snow-white locks.

"Rem… For you I would defy the stars…"