literature

CH 66: Fear

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"Of course you wouldn't," Merlissia snapped as she dropped her hair back over her shoulders and took her robe from Zevran. "It was to honor Howe," Merlissia said bitterly. "So don't tell me that I can't understand… I probably understand your plight more than anyone… Especially you," she explained as she looked over to Fenris.

"Either cool your heads or leave. There is a limit to how much hurt one can take," Zevran said as he turned to walk out. "Shall we?" he asked as he looked over to Merlissia watching as she shook her head at the two before following behind Zevran.

Bitterly the two scowled at each other, each blaming the other for the situation. Without a word, Anders turned away from Fenris and walked up the stairs, muttering under his breath about how Fenris was a wild dog. That he was no better than a stray.

The quiet knocks on her door echoed through the hall as Anders waited for Hawke. "Hawke, please… We didn't mean to upset you," Anders pleaded from behind the door.

"Go," she called through the door.

"Please, let me in Hawke. I really didn't mean to open old wounds," Anders continued. "I'd really like to talk," he added quietly.

"I bet you would… now get out," she shouted through the door.

Finally he hung his head low as he turned away, walking down the stairs, making sure to shove pass Fenris on his way out. Quietly Fenris stood, staring in the empty hall, unsure of what he should do. Hawke wouldn't see Anders, what were the chances she'd want to see him. Rem…

Slowly Fenris made his way up the stairs, whether or not she would see him, he had to try. He felt his heart beginning to pound against his chest as he neared the door. His hand felt like a boulder as lifted it up, slowly knocking on the door. "Hawke?" he called quietly. "Hawke, please let me in," he pleaded softly.

"Why?" she asked quietly, her strength fading from her voice.

For a moment he hesitated, staring blankly at the door facing him. Because you need me he thought, unable to voice his thoughts.

"Fenris… Just go," Hawke said softly, her voice was just above a whisper.

Gently, he placed his hand on the door knowing she was standing just on the other side. "Hawke please, let me see you," he pleaded softly.

"Why? So you can compete with Anders? I'm so tired of this. I… I'm not that strong Fenris..." she admitted sadly as she pushed away from the door, slowly making her way across the room to look at her mirror. Carefully she pulled the ring off of her thumb, watching as the magic faded. Patiently she listened for any more signs of Fenris as she looked over herself. Finally satisfied, she slid her ring back on and crawled into her bed, sinking into her plush sheets as she hugged onto her pillow. In the blackness of her cold room she shed silent tears as she tried to ignore the constant ache in her chest. Ever since Aleksia had been born she had been able to forget about it, she had always kept her busy or happy. She didn't think about her troubles or what Danarius had ruined her.

But now, when she closed her eyes she could see him and the guilt felt like it was drowning her. I could have prevented all of this if only I had the guts to try… Why couldn't I have been like him? Hawke thought as she remembered Hugue.He was always so sure…

Eventually the entire estate was quiet, and her silent tears finally lulled her into a restless slumber. Slowly she tossed and turned as she watched her jumbled memories. Images of Bethany floated around in her mind alongside Danarius. When her mind couldn't take any more she woke up, her body didn't feel any bit rested. She felt like she had just closed her eyes for a couple minutes as she looked out her window to the darkness of Kirkwall.

Slowly, she rubbed her eyes as she climbed out of her bed, Maker… Oriana forgive me… You've had Aleksia so long she thought as she made her way to her door. The cold knob turned easily as she twisted her wrist and felt the door fall open. Curiously she looked down to see what was pushing on the door.

Quickly she knelt down beside the now startled elf. "Fenris?" she whispered as his eyes focused on her. "Fenris, what are you doing here? I thought you left hours ago," Hawke asked softly.

"It hasn't been that long, only about 2 hours… It's not even midnight yet," he explained calmly. Finally he added what he had intended to say, "I wanted to see you," he groaned as he pulled himself back up, watching as she shook her head.

"Well, you can see I'm still here," she said coolly as she saw him finally stand up. "There's really no need for you to stay here, I'm fine," she said with a soft smile. I can't believe he sat here all this time she thought warmly as she watched him trying to decide.

"Re— Hawke… earlier I didn't mean…"

"I know… it's okay Fenris. Now please, go on home and get some rest while there is still time," she pleaded softly as she turned to go to Oriana's room.

"What are you doing up?" Fenris asked curiously as he noticed where she was going.

"I just wanted to check on Aleksia… I just realized that I had left her with Oriana for such a long time… I didn't want to burden her," Hawke explained as she walked into Oriana's quarters. For a moment he stood, watching her, but when he saw her return he finally felt like it was alright for him to go on home after Hawke told him that Oriana was going to keep her for the night. "For what it's worth Hawke, I am sorry," Fenris said, quickly whispering "for everything," as he turned to go back to his estate.

Oh Fenris… stop blaming yourself for me… you know I could have prevented all this as well as I do she thought sadly as she walked back into her room and headed directly for her bed. Quietly, she pulled off her clothes, leaving them sprawled out on the floor as she went. Slowly, she tucked her feet under the covers as she cuddled into her pillow silently praying that she could sleep the rest of the night peacefully.

With a deep breath she tried to settle down and try to convince herself that her mind was as tired as her body. But in the end, it was just the exhaustion that allowed her mind to travel off to the Fade. Hours had passed, with random images floating before her. Images of Fenris sleeping with Aleksia sleeping on his chest, or how she would tug on his ears. Images of her childhood, where Carver and Bethany would chase each other for whatever prank. It wasn't until she could feel a familiar weight surrounding her that her sweet dreams turned sour.

Suddenly her dreams of Carver and Bethany's fun faded away and she was in the familiar cold stone walls of her estate. "No," she whispered in her dream as she felt her arms pull as she was chained to a pillar. She watched in tears as Fenris tried to fight his way to her. "Stop it!! Stay back!!" she cried as she watched Danarius easily blast him back. Please stop this! she thought as she tried to force herself to wake up.

Her heart ached as she watched Fenris struggle, powerless to the magister. Please stop… please she begged, knowing that this was part of Danarius' games. But still she couldn't escape, she was forced to watch as Fenris struggled to stand. Terrified she watched as Fenris climbed to his knee, looking up  to see the magister standing within an arm's reach of him… yet he was powerless. He couldn't find the strength to stand and rip it out of his chest, no matter how badly he wanted to, no matter how much he wanted to save her.

Danarius easily kicked Fenris in the chest, knocking the elf back down against the wall. "FENRIS!!" Hawke screamed as she watched Danarius stab his staff into the elf's left shoulder.

For a brief moment, Fenris glanced over to her. His emerald eyes were full of pain and regret as Danarius plunged her own sword deep into his chest, leaving mere seconds for Fenris to see Hawke before his head bowed lifelessly.

"NOOOO~" she screamed as she sat up in a cold sweat. Without hesitation, she jumped out of her bed and ran out of her room. She had to see him, she just had to know that this was Danarius' cruel joke. As fast as she could she bolted through her estate, slamming the door behind her as she headed out into Kirkwall.

The cold wind of the night's air on her bare skin didn't even phase her fear as she headed towards Fenris' estate. Please be alright, if there is a Maker please let him be okay she begged as she ran up the stairs to his estate almost overshooting his estate.

Easily she through the door open, carelessly swinging the door closed behind her. She got about 5 steps in when she felt the sharp graze of a dagger against her arm. Seconds later she caught the wrist of her elven assailant, turning she shoved the woman into the small table behind her. Easily breaking it with the weight of the woman.

"FENRIS!" Hawke cried as she made her way up his stairs, watching as he ran from his room sword in hand.

"Hawke?" he asked confused as he watched her run to him. "What is it? What is wrong?" he asked urgently, as he nervously looked over her. Easily he noticed everything from her obvious lack of clothing to the small cut on her arm and the tears building in her eyes.

As fast as she could she ran up to him, placing her palms on his chest. Desperately searching for the spots where Danarius' staff and her sword were planted in his chest. When her fingers couldn't find a wound she balled her hands into fists with his loose shirt as she pulled herself to him.

"You're alright," she whispered weakly as her hands began to tremble, and tears streaked down her cheeks.

"Rem?" he questioned softly, his tone was groggy from sleep. Slowly, he dropped his sword to the floor and placed his warm hand on one of hers pulling it off of his shirt as he slid his fingers underneath hers as he wrapped his free arm around her shoulders. He didn't have to ask what was wrong, he knew only one person could get her so upset. Danarius he cursed inwardly as he held her close.

For a while she reveled in his warmth, taking advantage of the little time she had to be near him. He's okay… Thank you she thought as she snuggled into his chest. Finally taking a deep breath she started to push away from him. "I'm sorry Fenris… I just…. I just had to know you were okay," she said as she started to back away from him.

"Rem… do you..." he started nervously. "Do you want to talk?" he finally finished as he watched her halt her retreat.

"No… It's just Danarius' games… I just had to make sure it wasn't real… It just couldn't be," she stammered out as a last tear fell down her cheek. What would I have done if it was? she thought, instantly hating herself for allowing the thought to come to her mind. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come…" she stammered as she started to back away.

"Rem!" he called loudly to get her attention. "If… if you're determined to go, please let me walk you home," he pleaded softly. "You're hardly dressed for a walk through Kirkwall," he added.

Looking down, she realized that she ran all the way to Fenris' estate in her small clothes. Oh Maker! How could I run out like this… No shoes, no shirt or pants? Maker come on! she scolded herself as she instantly tried to cover as much of her as she could as a deep blush grew on her cheeks.

Quietly, Fenris went back into his room and pulled one of his sheets from his bed. Slowly he wrapped the fading green sheet around her shoulders, "There, that's a little better," he said quietly as she clung to the material. "Come, let's get you home," he said quietly as he guided her back towards the stairs, watching as Anelle was heading up the stairs rubbing her shoulder.

Slowly the pair made their way back to Hawke's estate, neither in too big of a hurry to be out of the other's company. Every so often she would steal a sideways glance at Fenris to see he was doing the same as well as watching the shadows for any morons who thought it wise to attack them. A small frown claimed her lips as she saw her front door, knowing that their quiet little walk together was almost over.

"Thank you Fenris," she whispered as she turned her back to her door looking up to how the moonlight highlighted his features. Slowly she reached up and cupped his cheek, gently rubbing her thumb along his cheekbone. Carefully she rocked up on her toes and pressed a slow kiss on his cheek. "I'm sorry…" she whispered as she started to pull away, only to be pulled into his broad chest.

She could feel his strong arms squeezing her around her waist as he pulled her into him. Slowly, she let her hand travel down his strong neck to his shoulders as she pressed herself against his warm frame. She knew she didn't want him to leave, that if he stayed with her she'd know he was safe but what if him being there would some how trigger her dream to become reality.

Carefully he ran a hand through her silvery locks as he held her to his chest. Cursing himself as he realized he had no words of comfort for her. I'll never be the one she needs… I'll never be enough he thought as he slowly pulled away from her. "I'm fine Rem… Please, go and rest. I promise, I'm alright," he said calmly as he guided her to her door.

Slowly she started to tug at his sheets to give them back when he placed his heavy hands on her shoulders. "You can give them back later," he said after he thought of the way she snuggled into them. If they can offer some sort of comfort for her, I can be cold for a night he thought as he opened her door to see Zevran and Merlissia pacing in the main hall.

"Ah! Champion there you are!" Zevran practically shouted causing Hawke to turn her attention to them. "We heard your scream and saw you run for the—" he started to explain cutting himself off when he saw Fenris in the door way, "Oh… I see we had no reason to be concerned then," he finished as he wrapped his arm around Merlissia's waist with a soft smile he turned and headed back to their room.

Quickly she turned back to Fenris, "Good night Fenris," she said with a soft smile. Quietly she watched as he gave her a slow nod before he turned to go back to his estate.

You both will be mine a familiar voice echoed in the back of her head.

"Like hell…You will not have him," Hawke whispered to herself as she climbed her stairs to her room.
Here it is CH 66... it's a little short... kinda funny, kinda sad.. it's kinda just the conclusion to chapter 65 soooo idk about it.. but here it is...

hope you all like it

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MsKillerwolf's avatar
sadly my little reading session has come to a halt looks like i will just have to wait. im so exited.