CH 52: Just The Same

For hours Rem sat in a chair beside the fire, trying to recover her energy while basking in the heat of the small flame. Why are you still here? Anders said he's fine. …This isn't your place, she thought as she thumbed the book she had been looking through. It was the book he had started to read so long ago it was her favorite book. A tale of love, tragedy and heroism… a tale with a happily every after. He quit reading it long ago. He thought it was stupid. Maybe it is stupid she thought as she thumbed the worn pages.

"…Rem…"

"Yes?" she asked quietly before she looked up to see that Fenris was still asleep. Leave Rem… you shouldn't be listening to him she told herself as he started to mumble in his sleep. For a moment, she watched as he shifted restlessly in his sheets. Quietly she sat the book down in her chair as she stood up. Quickly crossing the dusty floor, she made her way to the bed.

"…It's all my fault… how can you…" he grumbled as his fists clenched his sheets.

"Fenris?" she whispered as she leaned over him, looking over his troubled features. She felt her heart ache as she saw the tears streaming from his eyes. "…Fenris" she said a little louder as she reached out cupping his cheek as she sat on the edge of his bed.

As soon as he felt the warmth of her hand on his cheek his eyes shot open. "Shhhh…" Rem whispered as she watched the fear fade from his eyes. Slowly, she rubbed her thumb over his cheekbone. "Fenris, it's okay. I'm right here," she said softly as Fenris pushed himself up. "You should rest, don't push yourself… I healed most of your wounds. They were so deep I worried that if I didn't… … you wouldn't let them heal properly." She explained quietly. "I wrapped the burns, so they should be okay but you'll want to replace the bandages later," she explained as she let her fingers travel to his shoulder.

He watched as her eyes softened as she spoke, she looked so tired but her eyes were full of worry. Those eyes… Rem.. Unconsciously, he reached forward as if he wasn't in control of his own body. He felt his long fingers wrap around the firm muscles of her arms as he pulled himself closer to her, pressing his lips against hers. For a moment his heart sank when she didn't react to him. His fingers squeezed her arms gently as he started to pull back from her.

His muscles froze when he felt the warmth of her hand pressing on his cheek as she pulled him back to her. Fenris could feel the soft tickle of her hair as it brushed against his arms when she leaned into him. Their kiss was gentle, unsure but equal in need. Each kiss became more confident as they felt each other's need. Slowly, he pulled away from her. Bringing a hand up, letting his fingers glide along her jaw as he dragged his hand down to her neck allowing his thumb to caress the soft ridges of her throat as his hand slid down. His soft lips soon followed his thumbs path leaving a trail of searing kisses down her throat. We shouldn't… he thought, but her fingernails digging into his shoulders urged him on. Above the collar of her shirt, he placed a feather light kiss.

His lips felt like a fire on her skin, and she wanted to be burned alive. When she felt the ghost of a kiss on her neck she couldn't hold herself back. "Fenris…" she whispered quietly, in a voice he had longed to hear for so long.

She barely had time to open her eyes when a weight pulled her back. The first thing she realized was that she was on the cold, hard floor. Looking up she saw Anelle standing beside the bed. "How dare you-" the elf started as she looked to Rem and watched as she picked herself up and ran from the room. With a quick smirk she turned back to Fenris. "Fenris? Are you okay?" she asked as she sat on the bed. "You shouldn't let that witch take advantage of you like that… I felt so much magic… it felt so strange," she said quietly as she looked over the elf.

"What are you talking about?" Fenris asked as he glared up at the young elf. "I wanted…" he shouted back to her, unable to finish his words. I wanted this… Rem… he thought as he looked to the open door.

"She could have cast a spell on you… took control over you. You said she broke the control your master had, so why couldn't she do the opposite?" Anelle asked as she tried to settle him back into his sheets. "There now, get some rest," she said as she got up from the bed and went back to her own room.

Meanwhile, Rem had run back to her estate. Leaning up against the door as she shut it, she looked to the floor as she tried to catch her breath. What are you doing? He was feeling vulnerable and I… she thought of how any trace of worry melted when she was in his arms. "I just can't see him…" she said to herself quietly as her fingers swept across the table as she walked up to her room. Quietly she closed the door behind her as she struggled to find the energy to walk over to her bed. The moment she crawled on top of the sheets she felt herself just give out. Her body collapsed on the plush blankets underneath her as she fell asleep.

It was halfway through the day when she finally opened her eyes. The afternoon sun was shinning in through her balcony, sending rays of light across her floor and over her eyes. Rolling over, she slung one leg over to the floor. The cool stone underneath her foot elicited a groggy groan from her as she forced herself out of bed. She took a few steps only to fall against her dresser. "Let's not make a habit of doing this," she muttered to herself as she rubbed a shaky hand over her eyes.

Taking a deep breath she made her way out of her room, glaring at the stairs as she approached them. I'm too tired for this she thought as she made her way downstairs. "Morning Orana," she said as she caught a glimpse of the busy elf. "Oh, my lady it's far past morning," she said with a laugh as she walked to the stairs. "Would you like something to eat? I imagine you are hungry," Orana said.

"Oh, that would be delightful!" Rem said, almost drooling at the thought of food. "I'll be in the study if you don't mind," she added quietly as she turned the corner. Sitting at the desk covered with messages, she leaned back rubbing her stomach as it gave a quiet growl. I'm soooo hungry she thought as she waited for Orana. Quietly she began sifting through some of the messages that had stacked up.

She had just gotten the messages sorted into piles, important ones that should be dealt with immediately, ones that can wait and extra flint for the fire. Taking a deep breath, she could smell Orana approach, clearing off a spot for herself to eat. She was barely able to thank Orana as she started picking up the bread to take a bite. It seemed like everything on her plate tasted so much richer and flavorful than normal.

When she was done there was hardly anything left on the plate. I can't believe I ate all that she thought as she pushed the plate to the side to continue reading through her messages. One from Meredith, some from those who she had saved, others were requests for help. "There's always something to do," she muttered to herself as she yawned. "I suppose we should take care of Meredith first," she said quietly as she scooted her chair back. I thought eating something would have given me enough energy she thought as she crossed her arms on the edge of the desk, the Knight Commander's message still in hand. "Maybe if I just rest my eyes," she whispered as she rested her cheek on her wrist.

The sun was setting by the time Fenris finally decided to see Hawke. She had been on his mind constantly since the night before, what was she to think when Anelle pulled her off like that. What if Anelle was right? What if she did cast some spell on him? He had to find out… but he was terrified of the answer. As usual, Bodhan greeted him at the door, "Ah, Master Fenris welcome. The last I knew Mistress Hawke was in the study," he explained plainly with a polite bow as he returned to what he was doing before.

Quietly, Fenris walked into the study to see her slumped over her desk. "Hawke?" he questioned from the door as he watched her back slowly rise and fall. Slowly he made his way to her side, kneeling down as he placed his hand on her shoulder. "Hawke?" he asked again as he looked up to her with his big emerald eyes.

With a groan she opened her eyes, "Fenris? What are you doing here? Is something wrong?" she asked quickly as she pushed herself to her feet stumbling forwards into his chest.

"Hawke? Are you alright?" he asked as he caught her shoulders. Looking down he could see the exhaustion in her face; gently he brushed away the hair from her face.

"I'm okay, just a little tired is all," she said with a soft smile as she took a step back from him. "How are you feeling?" she asked quickly trying to get the attention off of her.

"I'm fine. You had said that I should replace my bandages… so I thought you could help," he said as his cheeks grew a light shade of pink.

"Of course, we can go upstairs, we'll have more privacy there," she offered as she picked up the message from Meredith from the floor. "Got a message from Meredith, apparently she wants our assistance once more," she explained as she headed out of the study, trying to fill the silence to keep their minds off of the prior night. Taking a deep breath she pushed herself to climb the stairs. Why must my room be on the second floor she thought half way up the stairs.

"There, now if you take off your shirt, I'll get some bandages and salves," she said with a tired smile. "Your… Anelle could have helped you with this you know, you have the salves and bandages needed. If you're more comfortable…" she offered as she dug through her drawers pulling out bandages. Carrying them over, she set them down on her writing table. She had just pulled some salves out of her trunk as she took a quick look over to See Fenris placing his shirt on her bed before he turned to her.

Quietly, he sat in her writing chair so that his chest leaned up against the back of the chair and waited for her. How am I supposed to find out what she did? he wondered as he watched her prepare for him. Before he knew it, she was standing in front of him untying the knot she had made to hold his bandages. Silently she inspected her healing as she unwrapped the bandages from his chest, dropping them carelessly to the floor.

The muscles in his shoulders tensed as her fingers barely touched him. Instantly she pulled away from him the moment she felt his apprehension. "I'm sorry," she whispered as she looked to the floor, "I need to see if you've healed properly… I didn't mean," she added, as the blushing on her cheeks grew deeper. You're just making this worse Rem thought as she turned to get the basin and pitcher of water from beside her bed.

"If you don't want me to do this, I can get Anders if you wish," she offered as she dunked a rag into the basin.

"No, I wanted to come to you…" he said softly, still undecided of how to approach her. I can't just ask her if she cast some spell on me… who would admit to that? he thought as he felt the cool rag on his back. He closed his eyes as he felt the material gliding softly over the tender flesh of his burns.

"I wish you'd let me finish healing you, or let Anders do it. There's no reason for you to cope with these burns when there are those around you willing to help," she said softly as she started to dab his skin dry with a soft cloth. "I wish you'd trust me… even if it was just to heal something like this," she whispered to herself.

For a short time, they remained silent as she looked over his burns. "Do it," he said quietly. "Heal them," he added quickly as he gripped the back of the chair.

"Are you sure?" she asked as she placed her hand lightly on his shoulder. She waited until she felt the tenseness in his shoulders fade and he nodded his head. Slowly, she moved her hands so that they hovered over his burns. "Ok, it shouldn't be long," she said as a soft glow came from her hands. You can do this, just a bit more she thought as she bit her bottom lip. She watched as the swelling went down, and his skin had gone back to normal. Once his flesh looked normal she reached up gently pressing on his back. "Does this hurt?" she asked, desperately trying to hide how hard she was breathing.She watched silently as he sat up and shifted his back, "No, it feels fine," he said quietly.

"Good, then I didn't even need these," she said pushing the bandages and salves away from her as she regained her composure. "Good as new," she said with a soft smile as she turned towards the writing desk collecting her bandages and salves again, trying to hide how tired she felt.

"Rem… About last night, I need to know," he started as he turned to see her back towards him as she put the bandages back in the drawer. "What is it Fenris? What's bothering you?" she asked over her shoulder as she closed the draw and set the salves down on the dresser so that she could turn towards him, holding her left forearm nervously.

"Last night… did you…" he paused taking a deep breath, "Anelle said she felt the magic that you used, that there was so much of it… and it felt so different. What did you do?" he asked coldly as he looked up to her.

"What? You think I? That I would…" she stopped and looked to the floor as she rubbed the wrappings on her arm. "You think I would cast a spell on you?" she asked quietly as she gazed at him with disbelief. "You really thought… I'd stoop to something so low?" she asked shaking her head trying to hide the hurt she felt. "I can't believe you'd think that, after everything…" she said quietly as she turned away from him, placing her hands on the top of the dresser.

"I mended your wounds, and soothed your pain. That's all," she said coldly. "Anders showed up as I was wrapping your bandages. I asked him to check you over to make sure you were healed… Maybe that's why it felt weird to her because it wasn't just me." She explained calmly as she looked down at her hands. "It has been so long since I've used my magic.. Especially for healing… Bethany was the healer… I was the protector… but you know how well that has worked out," she explained in a nonchalant tone as she balled her hands into fists.

Slowly, Fenris got up and in a few silent strides he was right behind her. "Rem… I…" he started to try to take back everything he said as he watched how she looked so defeated.

Suddenly, she flung the collection of salves she had out to the floor as she turned around to face him. Her eyes screamed of pain and anger as she peered up into the emerald eyes she used to get lost in. "We're all the same to you… In your eyes I'm no different than Danarius," she whispered, watching as his eyes grew wide as he heard her compare herself to Danarius. "We're not all magisters! I have no desire to have control of someone. I just want to live… just have a normal life…" she shouted as angry tears burned streaks down her cheeks. He looked down to see her markings were beginning to glow. "I'm not so weak that I need to resort to such petty tricks," she said sternly. "What is it going to take to make you see that we're not all the same? Do you want me to walk up to Meredith and ask her to try and make me tranquil, would that settle your nerves?" she asked bitterly.

Slowly he reached up to touch her, but she pulled away, leaning back into the dresser. "We'll always be the enemy to you. I… I will always be the enemy to you," she admitted as she looked away from him. "Just go back to your Anelle. You're healed. You should have no problems, and if you do Anders will be able to help you," she said sharply.

"Rem, I didn't mean… You know I don't…" he started to explain himself, but his voice failed him when he felt her hand press against his chest. "Just go…" she whispered as she turned away from him. "Rem… You know I don't see you like that!" he protested.

"Really? Because here you are asking if I played with your mind. You thought I would do something like that… It just shows how little you trust me, even after everything we've been through," she snapped. "It's pretty clear that I'm just the same as Danarius and every other mage to you," she added sadly.

"NO!" he shouted back at her as he grabbed her shoulders. "You are nothing like him… you… you…" he stuttered as he looked for a way to describe how he felt.

"What do you want from me Fenris? I've lost everything… I'm just a broken shell of a broken woman. I have nothing to offer anyone…" she admitted solemnly. "I'm everything you hate, so what is it you want from me? Just… just leave me alone," she begged as she looked up at him. She felt so pathetic; here she was with a half naked elf that her heart ached to be near and she is standing there listening as he accuses her of something so vile. How could he think I would do such a thing? she wondered.

"Rem…" Fenris pleaded quietly. That isn't what I meant… How could I doubt you? he wondered as he looked down at the woman in his arms. He could feel the ache in his chest burning as he saw the hurt in her features.

Being so close to him felt so bittersweet. Half of her wanted nothing more than to feel his arms around her, to pretend that her life wasn't in shambles. The other half wanted to run away, to put as much distance between him as she could. It killed her to know that in his eyes she was no different than Danarius. With a deep breath she looked up to him, her eyes softly glowing in the dark room, "I can't do this," she whispered before she suddenly disappeared.

"Rem? Rem… You're nothing like any other… not like any mage I've met… not like any woman… I never meant…" he said to himself. With a heavy sigh as he pulled his shirt back on and headed back to his estate.

Silently, Rem appeared in a dark corner of the chantry, trying to wipe the tears from her cheeks as she snuck back towards Sebastian's quarters. But nothing helped; just as she wiped one tear away another fell down in its place. Quietly, she knocked on the dark wood door in front of her. Silently praying that he was inside as she listened through the door for any sounds within.

Suddenly the door opened, wide enough to see Sebastian standing half naked with a towel in his hand. "Hawke?" he asked quietly, immediately dropping the towel to the floor the moment he saw her. Within seconds she he pulled her into his room, shutting the door as she buried herself into his chest. Slowly he wrapped his arms around her, resting one arm across her shoulders as he cradled the back of her head with the other. "Hawke, what's the matter?" he whispered as he slowly tried to guide her to his bed so she could sit down.

Quietly, Sebastian sat with her hands in his as he listened to her explain what had happened. "I hate this… First I have to be a Maker-forsaken mage… now with this child? Or abomination? I don't eve know… I have nothing… not even a secret to hide… other than a past that doesn't matter and…" she explained hesitantly. "And?" Sebastian pryed quietly as watched her gentle features as she gave a soft sigh. Looking down at her hands she started playing with a ring she wore on her thumb, "Danarius gave this to me…" she said with a pause, as she twisted the ring.

"What… what is it for Hawke?" he asked calmly as her heard her laugh as she bowed her head. Her messy hair cascading, covering her face. Slowly she pulled the ring from her thumb. "I've been trying to get Sandal to make me a new one, that way I could be free of Danarius. He should be almost done with it," she explained as she finally looked up to Sebastian. She watched as he gasped when he saw her. "Danarius… gave it to me so that he could hide this from Fenris… Just one more way he could hurt him… so I never take it off… but… but now… does it even matter?" she asked quietly as she put the ring back on. "I'm so tired of this," she whispered as she leaned into his shoulder and closed her eyes.

"Hawke… you know he doesn't see you that way… He can't possibly," Sebastian explained quietly, but he could see that the damage had been done. He could see how she hurt, how tired she was. He knew she had hoped that maybe he had seen her differently than the rest, but to have that thrown in her face so blatantly broke her heart. So he sat there for hours, and let her cry on his shoulder until she fell asleep.