CH 44: Choice

It had been a week sine Hawke returned from the Fade when she first opened her eyes. Everything was quiet. Judging by the light of the room it was either a very cloudy day or it was the dead of night. Quietly she tried to look around her room, secretly hoping to see no one around. It would make her leave so much easier. How long have I been out? she thought as she felt her body ache from immobility. She looked over to her desk, empty. Finally, she shifted her eyes to see Sebastian sitting in the chair beside her.

"Hoping to be alone?" Sebastian asked, as he watched her close her eyes, trying to keep her consciousness a secret.

"I never thought you'd be so observant," Hawke joked as she tried to laugh. "How long?" Hawke asked as she sat up in bed.

"Two weeks," he said quietly holding out a glass of water to her.

"Read my mind," she said happily taking the glass from him. "How has… how has everyone taken it?" she asked sheepishly.

"Well for the most part everyone has come every couple of days to see if you had woken up. No one has withdrawn from you," Sebastian explained softly.

"…Even Fenris?" She asked softly, looking over to her noble friend desperately searching his features for some kind of tell. "He… he has been struggling. Guilt covers his face every time I've seen him. I think he's confused. But if he didn't still feel… something, he would be gone." Sebastian explained sadly as he watched her slump over.

"Well, on the bright side I have no more secrets… well besides the lonely childhood I had but that's nothing interesting. I'm so sorry for burdening you with all this Sebastian. You have been a great friend," she said finally cracking a small smile. "I really didn't think I'd be waking up at all… I thought if I didn't die by the Arishok's hands, Meredith's wouldn't be too far after. All I remember was noticing something with Fenris and pain… it's just a blur," Hawke confessed as she finished the glass of water that he had given her. Sebastian began to explain to her everything that had gone on since the Arishok fell.

"Champion of Kirkwall huh? I bet Meredith never imagined giving that title out to a mage before," she said with a laugh finally settling back into her pillows.

"Hawke, everything is okay. You don't have to run. It's clear Meredith knows and she has not so much as stationed a templar near your estate. So rest up, it's the middle of the night, I'll be back to sit with you tomorrow afternoon." Sebastian said as he brought her hand to his lips. "Do you have to? Don't get me wrong… I really appreciate your concern… I just need some time to clear my thoughts that's all," she asked as she settled back down into the bed with a slight blush. "Of course, I am so glad that you are much better." Sebastian said as he stood to leave the room, giving her some privacy.

***Meanwhile, at Fenris' estate***

Anelle, the young elf that Fenris took in had finally got accustomed to the disrepair and quietness of the mansion. She was truly grateful for Fenris' generosity, but she was rather interested in him. He was an elf like she had never seen. Tall, handsome and strong, but it was the markings that interested her the most. She kept her few possessions in a side room, and tended to keep to herself out of fear of being in the way.

She had been up, contemplating what she was going to do. She had found a decent job with the help of Varric, working as a servant for a noble family in Hightown. When she was not at work she would spend her time trying to pick up around the estate.

She had just settled into her bed when she began to hear muffled cries coming from Fenris' chambers. Quietly she got up and hurried to his quarters, "Fenris?" she spoke quietly as she glanced around the room, but he wasn't in sight. The bed, the table he was commonly sitting at was empty. Slowly she turned to see him lying on the couch. Slowly, she made her way over. Peering down, she could see his face was beaded with sweat. His handsome features would contort, as he would shift, mumbling to himself.

"No… leave her alone…" his hoarse voice cracked out.

With a frown, Anelle returned to her room to retrieve a damp cloth.

"Useless… I'm so… useless…" he mumbled as a small tear streaked down from his eye, trying to hide amongst the beads of sweat. Quietly, Anelle knelt down carefully wiping his face with her cool cloth. "Shhh Fenris… it's just a dream," she whispered as she let her fingertips brush across the markings on his chin.

Even with her quiet whispers, Fenris just became more and more troubled. "No… Please… don't leave me," he cried as he shifted on the small couch. Trying to curl his long body into a ball, as if trying to shield his heart from his dreams.

Finally giving up, he turned so that he laid on his back as his dreams revealed his secrets… his fears. "Rem!" He screamed as he bolted up, panting heavily as he covered his eyes with his hand.

"Fenris?" Anelle asked quietly, "Are you alright?"

"Wha-?" He started, quickly turning towards the elf with an agitated glance. "Oh, Anelle... I'm sorry did I wake you?" He asked calmly.

"No… I was just getting to bed when I heard you…" she explained. "I... I don't mean to pry, but would you like to talk about it? My mother used to say that when you would talk to someone about your dreams, it makes the bad dreams go away." Anelle offered shyly. She watched Fenris think about her offer for a couple minutes before he finally agreed to it.

For a little while, they sat silently on the couch. "Why were you sleeping on the couch? You have a nice bed not too far away from it," Anelle asked, hoping to break the awkward tension in the room.

"I... I haven't slept in that bed for a while… not since…" he started to explain, pausing as the images of Rem lying peacefully in his arms flooded his mind. "Not since her," he finished dumbly.

"Rem?" Anelle asked, recalling the name he cried out in his sleep.

"Yes, " he said sharply. Even the thought of her… he thought with a heavy sigh.

"Where is she? What happened? The healer said she was very injured," Anelle asked curiously, watching as Fenris balled his fist on his knee.

"She is… I… I haven't been able to get myself to see her in a while now… How could I?" Fenris asked looking over to the young elf sitting next to him.

"Why couldn't you?" Anelle pushed as she covered his shaking fist with her small hand.

"I… I've been so… All this time… everything I've said… and she just took it. Every time I cursed a mage's existence… Everything she's been through… it's because of me," He mumbled hopelessly.

"Fenris, you're going to have to explain it to me, I don't understand," the elf said gently.

"Rem… I've put her in so much danger… and she has always braved the worst of it. Shielding me. Because of me she now shares my curse," He said looking down at his markings bitterly.

"She was everything… Then I pushed her away… but she was pushing me away… then I found out she's a mage… How did I not know?" he asked himself angrily, "All this time, every time I condemned their existence she stood there by my side. Never a flinch or grimace at my words..." he continued on. "Now… after everything I…" he stopped as his deep voice began to fail him.

"You love her," Anelle admitted sadly. Glancing over, she was shocked to see him slowly shaking his head.

"I am unworthy of her," He stated bluntly, quickly turning towards Anelle when he heard her scoff at his response.

"And who is she to be so high and mighty?" Anelle asked bitterly as she thought about her life as a petty servant.

"She's the leader of this hopeless ragtag group of ours I guess you would say. Although, I suppose she's now known as the Champion of Kirkwall," Fenris said as he watched Anelle's expression drop.

"But she's human…" Anelle said before she could stop herself.

"And I'm an elf," he replied quickly watching the regret cross over Anelle's face. "And an escaped slave, with nothing to my name… How could I even think I could be worthy of her?" Fenris said bitterly as he looked to the floor. He sat and told her stories of when they had went to the gala, and how she had upset all the nobles by choosing to dance with him.  That all he needed was to be by her side. But now… his world is upside down.

"How can I look past everything that I have learned of mages?" Fenris asked bitterly.

"Yet, you did not hesitate with her before you knew? Why should you treat her any different?" Anelle asked softly, offering a simple smile.

"It isn't like I don't understand that. But to live my life, with every day being a day of torture. Watching them misuse their magic… They scarred my flesh as well as my soul!" he started to shout.

Hesitantly Anelle reached out, cupping Fenris' cheek, turning his face towards hers. "Is she like them?" she asked softly watching the pain flicker through Fenris' eyes.

"No," he admitted closing his eyes, "She is nothing like them," he finished. "But… how am I supposed to see past that. She deserves to be with someone who can love her," her explained painfully.

"And you don't?"  again the words snuck out before Anelle could filter them. Hesitantly she watched as he gave her question some thought.

"It's not that easy. Something has been taken from deep inside of me. A secret of my own that I've kept locked away so no one can ever see. Wounds so deep they never show… they never go away. Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played," Fenris tried to explain.

"She deserves to be with someone without such burden. I don't remember a lot of my past. But sometimes I remember the darkness that lies there, bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have," he paused thinking to himself, "Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back, and never moving forward so there'd never be a past," he finished in defeat.

"Fenris… It's so much easier to run. To replace all your pain with something numb. Believe me it's so much easier to go, to escape, rather than face all your pain alone… You can't keep pretending that you don't feel misplaced and helpless. I don't know her… and I don't know much about the two of you, but it seems like your burdens didn't dissuade her. She saw you. The strong man, with a heart of gold, broken as it may be." She said quietly, watching the pain in Fenris' eyes soften for a moment.

"If I could change I would, take back the pain I would. Retrace every wrong move that I made I would. If I could stand up and take the blame I would. If I could take all the shame to the grave… I would," Fenris confessed.

"It's just… Rem…" he said with a soft sigh. "I'm sorry Anelle… I didn't mean to burden you with my troubles. It's late, you need to get your rest," Fenris said quickly shooing the young elf out as he laid back down to try and fall back to sleep.

Around noon, a messenger had come to Hawke's estate insisting to deliver his message directly to her. So after a few minutes of waiting in the foyer, Hawke made her way to him. "Hello, you have a note for me?" Hawke said with a soft smile. She watched the messenger nod as he held out an envelope. He turned and left as soon as she took the message from him. "Hmm… well he was friendly," she joked as she went back into the main hall walking over to her table that had gathered plenty of notes since she had been recuperating.

Opening the envelope she pulled out the note card. The note was short, but she felt as though her heart stopped. "Bodhan! What time is it?" she shouted from the table. "Noon my lady," he replied back to her calmly. "Okay, I have some time before Isabella was to come babysit me," she mumbled to herself as she hurried upstairs. Quickly she donned her armor and grabbed her blades. I know I shouldn't… But I can't risk the bluff… she thought as she set the note down on the note table. "I'm going out Bodhan!" she yelled behind her as she snatched her cloak and ran out of her estate. She didn't notice that the door didn't shut as she ran out.

Are you ready for this? Was I ever going to be? she thought as she forced herself to hurry through Kirkwall. Please, just once… don't let me run into anyone she pleaded as she hurried through the market and down the stairs toward the Wounded Coast.

**Meanwhile back at Fenris' estate**

"Why don't you just go and see her? You're going to drive yourself insane if you don't? Anelle pushed. "You said she's unconscious, so it's not like she would know that you were there but it would sate your mind," she finished as she took the empty plate from in front of him. "You know I'm right," she added as she left the room, leaving him to make up his mind.

"Damn it," he growled as he stood up. She's right… Just go see her. When I see that she's okay, I can move on, he insisted as he strapped his sword to his back. Normally he wouldn't go out in his civilian clothes, but if he waited to change he'd lose his nerve. "I'll be back!" he shouted as he walked out of his estate.

He didn't live far from Hawke, but the walk seemed to take forever. When he saw the door was propped open he felt his heart skip a beat. "Hello?" He shouted as he pushed the door open.

"Ahh Master Fenris, it's good to see you. But I'm afraid if you were looking to see Hawke you just missed her," the old dwarf explained calmly.

"Wha.. what!"

"Yes, Sebastian said she woke up last night. Then a messenger came and delivered a note to her. She read it and took off running," the dwarf explained.

"What did it say?!" Fenris demanded, "Was she alone?" he asked quickly.

"I'm sorry, I do not know… I think she left the note on the table though," Bodhan said as he pointed to the stack of papers. Fenris hurried over to the table, picking up the only open note.

Belial,
We both know that I can easily find you and my little wolf. Meet me at the highest cliff in the Wounded Coast. Come alone and I will forget about my pet.

I've missed you,
-D

"WHAT!" Fenris screamed, "How long ago did she leave?!" He said in a panic.

"Oh, about a half hour ago I would say, is something wrong?" Bodhan asked.

"Get Anders tell him to head to the Wounded Coast, we have to find Hawke, now!" Fenris said as he headed for the door. As soon as he was out of the estate he headed for the Wounded Coast pushing himself to run as fast as he could. Cursing himself inwardly for hesitating to see her. What if he takes her away from me… Rem hold on... he thought as he made it down the stairs of the market. You said we'd protect each other… he thought as he ran looking for any signs of her. Along the way he saw a cloak discarded in the bushes. "Hawke…" he panted as he pushed himself harder. He had to find her.

**~~**

Ok, it's just up the cliff, she thought as she took a minute to try to come up with a plan as she caught her breath. What am I doing… I know I'm not strong enough to take him on especially if he has his guards with him… but if it means he'll be safe… she thought as she stood up from the broken tree looking over the cliff to the rushing water crashing against the cliffs. With a deep breath she tried to gather her courage.

Seconds before she began to continue up the cliff she heard rushing footsteps heading toward her. Quietly she steadied herself to prepare for whoever was coming. The moment she saw his white hair coming around the cliff she took her hand off of the pommel of her sword and waited for him to catch up to her. "What are you doing here?" she demanded quietly when he was close enough to hear.

"Me?! What the hell are you doing here?" He retorted angrily. "Shut up, they'll hear you!" she shushed him as he approached her.

Fenris opened his mouth to argue with her before a familiar voice called out, "Belial… I know you're here… Why don't you come on up here?"

"I made my decision Fenris… You need to get out of here before they find you," she said quietly.

"If you think that I'm going to allow you to approach him alone you're crazy Rem!" Fenris demanded as he began to pace back and forth.

Hawke looked down as she thought about what was happening. Quietly she looked up to see his back was still turned towards here. Silently she took off the chain she always wore. Instantly she felt naked when the weight of the pendant came off her chest.

"Fenris…" she said softly, getting him to turn towards her.

"Rem, You ca—" he started to protest but as he was speaking, Rem raised herself up on her toes as the wind caught her unbound hair sending it off to the side like waves in the ocean. Gently she pressed her lips against his as she closed her eyes, shedding a few soft tears that Fenris was too surprised to notice. She felt the warmth of his hands as he held her shoulders lightly, as if she would break if he held her to tight.

Carefully, she worked her nimble fingers until she dropped his pendant into the pouch on his waist. He hardly noticed the gentle weight of her hands on his chest. In his head he knew Danarius was just around the corner, but here she was in his arms. Just like before, as if nothing had ever changed between them and he couldn't get enough. But his break from reality was short lived. His eyes grew wide when he heard her speak up the second her lips parted from his.

"Run," she whispered as he felt the weight of her hands increased. Rem's eyes screamed nothing but despair as she shoved Fenris back with all her strength. Sending him flailing backwards over the cliff.

"I'm so sorry."